What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
