cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
