I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
