My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
