It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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