Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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