All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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