It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize