If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
