So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
