eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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