This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
