i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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