I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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