I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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