There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
