Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
