I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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