I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
