I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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