I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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