I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
