i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
