I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
