I can text with my tongue
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
