so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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