p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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