omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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