when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You pole danced in your parka.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
