I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize