I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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