Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
