He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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