I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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