One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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