If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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