question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
