So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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