What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
