I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
