My girlfriend figured out who you are.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
