The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
