I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
