You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
