The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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