wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's never too late to be topless.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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