LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
