By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
