guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize