Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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