i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
