I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
