My nipple is on Facebook.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She bit a glass in half.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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