There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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