His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i believe in u and ur pee
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
