Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
