Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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