brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
