Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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