a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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