Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
