i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm passing your future prison.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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