Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Boobs are out for the taking
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
