I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
