No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
