Just fell off a train. Bad.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize