Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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