You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
