Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
